Archive for January, 2010

Day 30 — 1 Month (almost) Down & I’m Going Bananas

January 30, 2010 · Filed under Project · Tagged , , ,

This project of doing everything my wife says seems like it’s been going on forever…and it has only been 30 days. It is somewhat hard to believe that I still have 11 more months of this to go. I have never been so thankful that February is so short (28 days!).

Today the Wife is away again at a retreat for the weekend. This is fresh off the heals of her little trip to Atlanta for a conference. I’ve seen her less than 24 hours this week…and yet, she has given me a whole heck of a lot to do.

The list this week had been relatively light. I commented on my last post how I was “doing nothing.” When the W saw this, I think a little voice inside her brain told her “this is not good.” So like a good and faithful wife, she adjusted, reorganized, circled the wagons (I’m not sure I really know what that means, but people say it a lot), and doled out a new and improved mandate full of fresh “frog projects.” “Frog projects” is her phrase. Without further ado, I give you the project list:

  1. Clean up the spare bedroom, especially all the clothes–this one sucks and is like a punch in the gut. That room is not really a spare bedroom, but instead it doubles as my home office and place for me to put all my clothes and other random things. And its a HUGE mess right now. I get why she wants me to clean it up, and I do want to clean it. The problem is right now, I don’t have time to do it. Work stuff is carrying over into the weekend, I have to get all set for Ireland, and manage the animals. I think I can maybe manage the clothes part, but not the rest of it. I hope that suffices. Remember the cartoon where the kid will sweep everything under the rug to make it go away? I’m thinking that’s my plan of attack.
  2. Do my laundry and all the towels–OK fine. This one actually helps with #1 above…and I need clean underwear and socks for our trip.
  3. Clean the cat’s poo–I take issue with this one. We have a very clear breakdown of chores at our house and cleaning the cat’s poo on the last weekend of the month is 100% her job. I scoop it the other weeks (in addition to cleaning up Ellis’ poo in the back yard) but on the last weekend of the month she really rolls up her sleeves and gives the litter box a thorough cleaning. It’s a nasty mess and one that I am so glad she does. Conveniently she’s away this last weekend of the month, so it got pushed on me. I don’t like it. Because of this I had to make a special run to the grocery store to pick up cat litter as we were out. So braving the 13 degree temperature outside to the cold car I went early this morning. I’ve also had to put off taking a shower yet today because, let’s be honest, this is a nasty job. Truth be told, I was planning on just scooping the litter instead of the full litter box cleaning, but thought better of it for the sake of the dumb cats. Even as I look at the W’s list of “frog projects,” this one “Cat’s poo” is the only one that is underlined…twice.
  4. Figure out a loose Ireland itinerary–She emailed me a list of things we/she wants to do. So in the zero free time I have I am supposed to plan an itinerary. I am armed with 2 guidebooks and some advice from some friends…so it should be OK and kind of fun, but I feel a little pressure here to make this a good trip. This might be something I can figure out on the flight over there…but I am sure that will land me in hot water. Plus I do want us to have a good trip. In addition to all the laundry and packing I have to do, plus keeping up with her passport (see earlier post) I have my work cut out for me.
  5. Eat all the bananas–Yes, you read that right. Eat all the bananas. The final project to list here is actually the 1st thing on her list and in my opinion, the strangest demand of hers yet. Seeing as we are leaving town for a week there is obviously some food in the house that will go bad and end up trashed if we don’t eat it. The 6 bananas are included in this bunch, but for some reason they are the only food to be named–thankfully. We also have almost 2 loaves of bread which would be unrealistic to try and eat by myself. We really need to do a better job of taking inventory before we go to the grocery store. Anyway, I have been eating bananas a lot since I got this list yesterday. There are still 2 left as of now. They are at the turning brown with spots and lines stage and I think they look like they are somehow getting skinnier, if that’s possible. Either way. I have to choke down 2 more damn bananas and the last one I had was not very pleasing to the palate. Heaven forbid we let 2 bananas go to waste, so I have to eat them. I think I will try to imagine I’m on a show on the Travel Channel, Man vs. Food perhaps, as I take on the challenge of eating 2 quickly browning bananas. Yuk.

So that’s about it. I’ll be away from the computer for about a week, but I am sure I’ll have a lot of great things to share when we get back. Bye.

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Day 27 — Home Alone

January 27, 2010 · Filed under Project · Tagged ,

Remember that kid from Home Alone the movie who put his hands on his cheeks and screamed once he realized he was home alone? That’s me this week.

Since the W left for ATL…and yes, she did get there…it’s been crazy bananas here. My car needed to pass state inspection…and of course, it did not pass. So it’s been in the shop since Friday. I did get it back today. All I had to do was pay $1081.00 and it was mine with new state inspection stickers. I love the commonwealth of Pennsylvania and their damn emission rules and regulations. Anyway, not having a car has meant that my stress level has gone up. It’s a particularly hectic time at work and not being able to drive into the office…and worse, not being able to be at my computer  to check email has not been fun. I’m so glad to have the car back now.

So for the last couple of days I’ve been trapped home alone with the animals. I often feel like St. Francis as the 2 cats and 1 dog all sit within 2 feet of me and all stare at me simultaneously. This just stresses me out even more.

I am doing an awesome job however doing what the W has left for me to do…nothing. Following her little passport episode she told me that there was nothing on my “to do” list while she is away. And I’m doing just that…nothing. Well, I am drinking a beer and watching the girl cat chase a plastic lid around the kitchen floor. Being home alone is good…but I can’t wait for the W to get back tomorrow.

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Day 25 — The Best Laid Plans of Wife and Frog…

January 25, 2010 · Filed under Project · Tagged , ,

Well, the week was supposed to be me home alone (along with the cats and dog) as the W was out-of-town. Even in her words I was “off the hook” this week. Sure she gave me some things to do, but spread out over the course of a week…not a problem. Truth be told, they were things I wanted to do anyway…get a haircut, go to the YMCA, and take care of my own food situation…Even if there was a big list of chores I would be able to do what I always do in these situations …put them off and then do a mad scramble to get it all done.

She was supposed to leave this morning for Atlanta until Thursday, get back home Thursday evening, then on Friday go to a weekend retreat with work, then get back Sunday afternoon before we leave that evening for Ireland…That was the plan…However, she is currently in Philadelphia and leaves for Atlanta tomorrow. Allow me to explain…

As she was packing for Atlanta last night she decided to look for her passport for the Ireland trip. This was a good idea, except for one problem–she could not find her passport.

So she spent about 5 hours tearing the house apart, upside down and inside out…still no passport. I do my best to just stay out of her way. At this point it’s about 11:30 PM and I am beginning to worry about what will happen to the Ireland trip IF the wife does not have her passport. The trip is 7 days away, she’s scheduled to be out-of-town, and it’s not like you can order a passport online (there are some sites that claim to do it, but I don’t trust them). Finally I find a bona fide governmental website and start frantically searching for what she can do…but it doesn’t look good. Eventually I do find that she can go to Philadelphia to the Passport Agency and try to get a new one, as the website says, “in a hurry.” There is no guarantee that she can get it in less than 7 days (the website says it takes 2 weeks), but it’s worth a try.

So now that we are armed with this information, we go to bed…after laying there for a few minutes I ask her is there is a light on in the hallway from her frantic search. She says, “no” and I say, “are you sure” because I could definitely see that there was. Because of this project I had to get up and turn it off. Once I get back in bed I suggest that she calls the 24/7 phone number to schedule an appointment at the Passport Agency. After a slight delay, she tells me to go get the phone. Now, all of this is her fault but I have to go get the phone. There are moments when I hate this project.

She makes the call to an automated answering system and schedules an appointment for this morning. BUT this still does not guarantee that she can get the Passport in time…so the conversation turns to the very real possibility that she might not have it, won’t be able to travel to Ireland…and whether or not I should still go by myself or if I should stay home.

She said that I should go, especially since we already spent the money on tickets, etc. I said that I didn’t want to go without her. After a back and forth on the subject, I began to imagine what it would be like to be in Dublin without her and on my own. Honestly, I’d miss her and feel very guilty about being there…but it did sound fun! And seeing as how I have to do everything  she says, if that includes going to Ireland then I guess I have to go to Ireland.

Wrapping this up, she’s currently in Philly and is supposedly picking up her new passport this afternoon. It all worked out on that end. So, we’re both going to Ireland. She also was able to line things up for a flight to Atlanta tomorrow. So that worked out too.

The amount of stress this has caused me is incalculable. BUT in the spirit of this project, I have got to say that the way I served her was by being supportive, understanding and encouraging during this whole ordeal. And honestly it wasn’t that hard. I would have used to want to yell at her and give her a hard time about all of this…but not anymore. I have learned that it is much better to be positive and supportive than to yell and make her feel stupid. Plans change and have to be adjusted…I still get to be a bachelor, just one day later.

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Day 22 — Saved by the Bell

January 22, 2010 · Filed under Project · Tagged ,

At various times during this project of doing whatever my wife says and wants, I find myself suggesting to her things that I think she will like me to do. For instance–about 20 minutes ago, she was reading on one of our chairs in the living room. Being that she is so small she can actually sit sideways so her back is up against one of the arms and her legs extend upward using the opposite arm as a leg-rest. When she sits like this her little feet end up being extended up and into the air.  Here comes my suggestion…I asked her if she wanted a foot massage. And she said yes.

So I grab her left foot, starting with the toes, and began working my way around the foot. After several minutes I switched over to the right foot and did the same thing on that foot. After a few more minutes of this my hands were beginning to hurt and become tired. So I stopped…

The W then said, “Excuse me! Keep going!”

So I had no choice but to keep going…Again, I tried to walk away after a few minutes only to hear her say, “What about my other foot?” So I started back on the other foot.

My hands, at this point, were really achy and the little muscle between the thumb and the pointer finger was beginning to cramp…but there seemed to be no end in sight. When all of a sudden I hear a “ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding” sound coming from the dining room. It was the girl cat. She has a new habit of laying down on my laptop…I think because of the heat…and cats like laying on top of things and in weird places. When she lays on the keyboard she presses and holds down the keys underneath her. The result is the bell-like dinging noise. The other day the cat google searched “4444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444 etc” and it took like 15 minutes for the computer to stop dinging.

But today it was her search of “tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt etc” that produced the bell sound that freed me from the message. I had to tell the W that I needed to go check on the computer. That’s how I ended up here posting this now and that’s how I got out of the foot massage. Saved by the bell indeed.

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Day 20 — Last Night Stunk!

January 20, 2010 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged ,

Last night it was decided that I would sleep on the couch downstairs in the living room. I won’t get into why, but it was fine with me…there was a surplus of “The Office” reruns on TBS, then Sportscenter on ESPN, then some Conan…Just me, the dog, and the TV. Not bad.

That is, not bad until I eventually tried to sleep. For some reason I can easily fall asleep on the soft cozy leatheryness of our couch for a daytime nap…but at bed time I have a hard time falling asleep. Tossing and turning and kicking the blanket and being too tall to fully stretch out just added fuel to the restless fire. Finally I did fall asleep…only to be awakened by the smell of a skunk outside. I was not sure if it was hit by a car somewhere, just hanging out on our porch spraying his stuff around or what, but it definitely smelled awful. And once I was aware of it, I couldn’t fall back to sleep. All I could smell was skunk.

Then it was no longer my olfactory senses working overtime…my hearing went into bat sonar mode. The clock above the bookcase in the living room was ticking and sounded like it was being broadcast through loud speakers or an intercom–kind of like the techniques used by the military to drive out crazy people from their bunkers or to make them talk in prison. TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK…

Then Ellis starts snoring and it’s all downhill from here. The longer I stay awake the more worked up I get and in turn, the less sleep I get. An interesting paradox isn’t it? An increase in “tired” does not equal an increase in “sleep.” At least for last night anyway. At what I guess was around 3 am (I couldn’t see the clock, although I could hear it) she comes over and starts giving me kisses. Normally that’s the best thing in the world and even last night I loved it…then she went back onto her bed. Finally I fall asleep. I think I just needed a goodnight kiss.

I wake up this morning to the W, who obviously had a good and peaceful sleep, zipping around the house in very rare morning chipper and energetic mood. She then gave me a list of projects I have to do today. On the list…trash, take all my clothes that had gathered downstairs to upstairs, and take Ellis for a walk. I was NOT in the mood for a list of projects first thing in the morning, but that is what I got. Work was tough today. You know the feeling–so tired that you feel kind of shaky. That was me today. One interesting thing I did notice on the drive home from work for lunch was skunk roadkill…could this have been the guilty party from last night? If so, then he punished me for what someone else had done to him. It smelled eerily familiar as I drove by this mashed carcass.

During lunch the W was still in her upbeat mood which was 1000% contrary to my mood at the time. She read my post from the other day about “memory loss” and demanded that we would watch a minimum of 2 Glee episodes tonight. Right. It’s basically bed-time here and I guarantee that she has no idea she even said these things. She also threatened to set up a “counter blog” (her words) to give her side of what I post here. Again, this will never happen. I’m too tired to worry about that now…so it’s off to bed hopefully for a good night of sleep and hopefully all the skunks will survive at least until morning.

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Day 18 – Memory Loss, Headphone Loss, Battery Loss

January 18, 2010 · Filed under Project · Tagged , , , , ,

Just before bedtime last night, the W proclaimed loud and proud “Tomorrow we are watching Glee on DVD!” I half flinched and half laughed to myself when she said this because if there is one thing I have learned in my 6+ years of being married to this woman it is this–when she is sleepy you cannot trust what she says. It’s not that she lies, it is that she cannot or does not remember what she says during sleepy time. At periodic times in our marriage this has caused me much grief. For example I will ask her a question about something, she’ll answer…and then later claim to have no idea what I am talking about or doing as I follow through on our earlier conversation. In the interest of full disclosure, I do the same thing to her too when I am sleepy…so I guess we’re even. All that is to say last night when she said we’d be watching Glee on DVD today she was sleepy. It hasn’t happened yet…and I am betting it won’t.

What did happen today is I was all set to go to the YMCA for a workout. I’ve been kind of lazy and taking it easy after hurting my back, but I do need to get back into exercise mode. Today was the day because she told me that if I did not start going (i.e. today) then she’d pull my membership. Seeing how I have to go along with her, I was all dressed in my running shorts, t-shirt, low cut cotton white socks and my running shoes. I grabbed my YMCA id card, wallet, keys, ipod…but I couldn’t find the headphones. After I looked and looked I sent the W a text (She was already at the Y during all of this). She responded that she did not know where my headphones are and “I am using mine.” About 2 minutes goes by and my phone beeps again with an incoming text. It read “Oops I have yours!” in reference to my headphones.

I was honestly thinking that since she’d been at the Y for a while now, by the time I got down there she’d be done and I could just get the headphones from her. Instead she told me to take the dog on a walk and to “come to the Y later”. So I once again changed my clothes and got ready to take the dog on a walk.

Earlier in the day she did tell me to take the dog on a walk around the neighborhood at some point in the day, so I knew it was coming, I was just hoping to do it after the Y. Also earlier I was given explicit directions not to let the dog run sprints at the park because it’s too soggy outside and the other day after our walk Ellis came in, jumped on the couch and smeared a nice amount of mud all over the leather. So Ellis and I went walking for 45 minutes in the neighborhood. I didn’t realize that her being a full blooded Boxer also meant she is part bloodhound. The walk would have been at least 15 minutes quicker if she didn’t have to stop and smell every damn thing under the sun. It’s like she’s never been outside before.

Next I have to clean up the kitchen. The other thing I have learned in my 6+ years of marriage to the W is “I’ll do it” has different ways of being understood. I understand it to mean “I will get to it at some point during the day.” She understands it to mean “right now.” Cleaning up the kitchen is not a big deal, but it was another one of her instructions for me to follow today, so I’m including it in the post…and it was kind of annoying to have to do it “right now” because I was chatting with a friend online at the time. But who am I to argue with her this year?

Finally I am able to change (again) and get ready to go to the Y. This time I have the headphones to go with the ipod so I am ready to roll. I get there, stretch, and put the ipod on just before I go to hit the treadmill. Only to hear 7 seconds on my Lolo Jones playlist before the battery on the thing dies. This sucks. I loathe the YMCA music selections.

So now I’m home, off to shower and then cook our dinner–penne vodka. I’m cooking every night this week which I don’t mind because she has a really busy week…BUT  I’m still hoping she forgets about Glee tonight. I really really really want to watch “No Reservations” with Anthony Bourdain.

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Day 17 – Currently Chewing Cauliflower

January 17, 2010 · Filed under Project · Tagged , ,

As I begin to type this post I am chewing a piece of cauliflower…OK…now it’s on to a piece of broccoli. Pantry Week is over and we went to the store today for groceries and various a sundries. One of the things we picked up was a salad for dinner. As the W dished out the plates of food I won the grand prize and got the big pieces of cauliflower and broccoli! When I asked her if she wanted the cauliflower she replied, “No. You eat it.” So I ate it. Anyway, now that we have food again it is wonderful and I am happy.

One of my tasks for the upcoming week is I have to cook dinner every night. The W put the menu together for the week. It is as follows:

  • Monday–Penne Vodka Pasta
  • Tuesday–Kimchi Jjigae (soup)
  • Wednesday–Pizza Pie
  • Thursday–Quinoa
  • Friday–Spaghetti
  • Saturday–Breakfast (eggs, hash-browns, etc.)

Not a bad list and one that I can handle. The W cooked all the meals this past week so I guess it’s only fair. One thing that is not fair is the W is forcing us to watch “Desperate Housewives” on TV tonight.

Other chores to do: cat’s litter box, trash, upstairs bathroom, dog’s vet appointment, dog’s city registration, car inspection and I am sure more along the way. It’s time to go now…I think I have broccoli stuck in teeth.

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Day 16 – Pantry Week Over!

January 16, 2010 · Filed under Project · Tagged ,

At the stroke of dinner-time last night the W declared Pantry Week officially over. A somewhat early end to Pantry Week, but I am not complaining at all. My sense is that she just did not want to eat 2 slices of bread and an onion for dinner like I was planning. Finally we decided where to go . I say “we” decided where to go because she actually let me decide where we’d go. Since she’s been talking about this one place, that’s where I assumed she wanted to go…so that’s where we went.

Of course we had to get ready and dress for dinner. I showered and got dressed. My outfit–a green Dominican Republic t-shirt to show my solidarity with the Island of Hispaniola, khaki pants, and a burgundy sweater over my t-shirt. I thought somewhat nice, but not overly or uncomfortably formal. I was all set to roll out the door when the W says, “You have to change. I don’t like what you are wearing.”

Because of this project I tell her, “Fine. But you have to go pick out what you want me to wear. Otherwise everything I pick out will be bad.” I’m mildly frustrated because 1) I didn’t think my outfit was bad. 2) I just fixed my hair and taking off the sweater would totally mess it up beyond repair. My hair is finicky and has its own issues. Trust me, I know what I am talking about here.

She comes down with a white t-shirt and 2 different sweaters. After a brief fashion show it is settled that i wear the white t-shirt and a blue sweater (one that I figured out I got in 1997 while in London. Remember my earlier post where I said I don’t ever get to get new clothes?). Finally we were ready to go, and yes my hair is in mild afro mode after taking t-shirts and sweaters on and off…and then she makes me change my shoes because my loafers were “nerdy.”

Finally we make it to dinner. A great local spot and a great end to Pantry Week. We shared a risotto appetizer, some wine, I had roasted duck for the main course, and we shared some cheesecake for dessert.  I even got a free espresso because the waitress forgot to bring it to me with the cheesecake and she had already brought us the bill. Pantry week is over–Hallelujah!–but there is still no food in the house. We need to go shopping and I can only hope that will be today.

Finally, as we were sleeping last night I got up to pee around 2 am. When I got back in the bedroom and laid back down in the bed…always the best feeling after having to get up in the middle of the night…and she all of a sudden says to me, “I can’t believe you didn’t blow your nose while you were in there.” So I get back up, out of bed and head for the bathroom one more time…

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Day 14 – Pantry Week Update

January 14, 2010 · Filed under Project · Tagged

So “Pantry Week” is shaping up to be harder on me than I remember it being in the past. For some reason ramen noodles, boxed Indian food, and tortilla shells covered in pizza sauce with cheese is just not doing it for me the way it used to. It has been extremely hard to stick to the W’s orders and only eating what we have on hand…especially when at this point in the week the good stuff (soups, yogurt, and left-overs from the week before) are all gone.

I tend to get very grumpy and have headaches when I don’t each much. I have been grumpy and have had a headache every day this week–except for today. Evening meetings every night 3 of the past 4 nights has only added fuel to the burning fire of misery. ***I have to say that I realize how lucky I am to be able to do and say these things especially in light of everything going on in Haiti right now.  My “misery” is not true misery and I write these things somewhat tongue in cheek. Please join me in praying for the Haitians***

Anyway, the W has been very gracious in her understanding of my week. She knows that I can be very stubborn and will stick to doing what she says and pantry week–even to a fault. Yesterday I about lost it. Stress at work, the animals driving me nuts, the late meetings, not eating etc. all began to take its toll. I felt weak, shaky, and even more unstable than usual. So she told me to get a sandwich out somewhere. This is a classic dilemma (do I stick to her original orders of not eating out, or her new order of getting something out?).

This was my opportunity to be briefly out of and to have relief from Pantry Week. However I didn’t want to do it. I wanted to stick to Pantry Week for better or for worse. She insisted and I relented. I picked a WaWa sub as my sustenance. Why WaWa? Because it is as close to eating out yet still suffering as I could think of in that moment. I refuse to eat at a fast-food restaurant, so my options were somewhat limited. I didn’t have time to sit down somewhere. So WaWa it was.

And I am so thankful for that crappy little turkey sandwich. It helped me get through my meeting last night. When I got home the W rewarded me again with a trip out for chicken wings and beer! A Pantry Week miracle!

I’m back in the saddle today though. Boxed Indian for lunch.

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Day 11 – Pantry Week begins

January 11, 2010 · Filed under Project · Tagged

No grocery shopping this week. We’ve done this one or twice before. The goal is to try to just stick to only eating the food we already have rather than spending money on more food. Usually we buy stuff and it stays in the pantry forever (cans of soup, boxed Indian food, etc.) and yet we continue to buy more food. So the W declared this week would be “Pantry Week.” I was not happy when this declaration was made. Pantry Week means we can only eat what is in the house for the entire week. It gets really hard usually around Thursday.

I did go to the grocery store yesterday. Usually we go together but she had a meeting and I had to go by myself. Of course, she gave me a list and I had to stick to it. During Pantry Week however, there is no food on the list. So I bought dish-washing soap, toilet paper, dog food (she’s eating better than me this week), and some other various household items, but again–no human food. I was tempted probably about 700 times to veer away from her list and pick up everything from sushi to mushrooms. I kept thinking “that looks good” or “I’d like to have that this week” and did I mention I went shopping on an empty stomach which is never good, but especially when you are trying not to buy any food.

Another rule during Pantry Week is that we do not eat out anywhere. This is usually not a problem for me and I usually don’t eat out very much at all, but during Pantry Week it really sucks knowing that the possibility of eating out isn’t even there.

By the way, last night just before bed, the W tells me she has 3 lunch meetings scheduled for this week…meaning she gets to go out to lunch 3 times while I have to scrounge around in the pantry. How convenient for her! Let me tell you, if I were not doing this project I’d be out at a nice sushi lunch right now. Instead I am doing what she says and having ramen noodles. It’s going to be a long week.

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